Clutching at Straws

Issue 2: The crypt of the black pickle

1. The cover. Zak, as a barbarian with an axe, stands with Sydney, Walker in a circlet, Rex in a knight's helmet with a shield, and the Pope, while a huge horned red demon looms behind them. The title reads 'Clutching at Straws #2: The Crypt of the Black Pickle, by Spencer, Abrahams and Angel'.
1. The title page. Walker grins, holding up a page of writing. Narration: “Clutching at Straws. Issue 2: The Crypt of the Black Pickle. Pencils, colours, inks & letters: Paul Spencer. Story concepts & script by: Paul Spencer, Ryan Abrahams, Aaron Angel. Created by: Paul Spencer, Ryan Abrahams, Aaron Angel.” Narration: “Forward: The conception of this issue took place late at night at a fuel station, where Aaron was working at the time. We decided, issue 2 would be an organic tribute to personal jokes we were all fond of and meant a lot in regards to the comic. It's amazing in retrospect, how the characters breath life into the material, even that of the goofy variety.” Narration: “We feel it is only right that we warn you before you start flipping through the pages. We started this comic in 2007, so consequently the art style evolves dramatically about 2 or 3 times. (Watch very closely as the characters all grow an extra finger around mid way through the book.)” Narration: “‘Clutching at Straws’ is a joy to produce and we hope you enjoy your read. Until issue 3, Paul, Ryan and Aaron.” Narration: “For more comics, visit: www.guardiancomic.com”
1. Close up of Zak's eye, shut. Zak: “Buz-- aauuuhhhh”
2. His eye cracks open. Zak: “Meh-- ...scratchy”
3. His eye opens wide.
4. Zak wakes up in his underwear on the floor of his game shop. Inset: close up of his face. Zak: “...Oh God... I need a drink!” Zak: “One of you cans must have a li'l gift for daddy.”
5. Zak holds up a bottle. A small dark shape scuttles in the foreground. Zak shouts: “Bingo! Come to pappa boozy!” Zak: “Ahhh, nothing like an early morning swig to take away the shakes!”
6. Zak looks over his shoulder. Zak: “Someone there?” Zak: “Dave, that you buddy?”
7. Zak clutches his face. Zak: “If it is, where the f#@k are my f%@$ing pants?”
8. His jeans lie draped over a shelf. Zak: “Ahhh, there you are, coverer of the wang.”
9. A little red imp bites Zak's hand as he reaches for the jeans. Sound effect: Bite Zak shouts: “Aaaaaaaah!”
10. Zak flails as the imp clings to him. Inset: Zak eyes the imp on his shoulder. Zak shouts: “Bitey bite mother#$@%!” Zak: “Though, I don't blame you... these pants are pretty sexy.”
1. Zak, in his jeans, chases the imp across the shop swinging a pole. Zak shouts: “Yeah, best be runnin' bitch! I'ma f#@% you up!”
2. Zak tumbles down a steep staircase after the imp. Zak: “After this, I'm eatin a sammich!”
3. The imp dives into a hole in the floor. Zak skids to a stop. Zak: “What the f%#k??” Sound effect: Dive Sound effect: Skid
4. Looking up from inside the hole at Zak.
5. Zak spits down the hole. Sound effect: Spit
1. Zak lies sprawled at the bottom of a ladder in a cave. Sound effect: F$%k... Zak: “...that's what I needed! A couple of buckled legs to go with my hangover, perfect.”
2. Zak points at the steps, scowling. Zak: “Oh great. Steps! Now I have sore legs and feel like an idiot for it.” Zak: “F$%cking asshole steps.”
3. Zak walks through a torchlit crypt littered with skulls and bones. Inset: Zak grins on the phone. Zak: “Man, this is some creepy shit down here...” Zak: “This building must be pretty f$%king old... for there to be a crypt in the basement...” Zak: “This can mean only one thing...” Zak shouts: “LARP!”
4. Walker on the phone, frowning. Walker: “What the hell is a LARP?” Zak: “Live. Action. Role play...”
5. Zak on the phone, grinning. Zak: “Just trust me about this...” Zak: “You'll love it!”
6. Walker rubs his head. Walker: “Ok well I guess I'll be there.”
7. Zak on the phone in the crypt. Walker: “But there had better be cake with this, asshole.” Zak: “Oh, Walker. One more thing. Can you bring me a shirt?” Zak: “And some porn.”
8. Close up of Zak. Zak: “...Just in case.”
1. A hand reaches out from under the bed covers for a ringing phone. Rex: “Hoooooold on, I'ma comin!” Rex: “Man, this had better be good! Ringing me at this time...”
2. Rex sits on the edge of the bed in his boxers, on the phone. Rex: “Zak? What'dya want man? It's still early.” Rex: “Emergency? Come on man, I know your emergencies, I don't have time for burnouts at the school oval. Not today pal.” Rex: “Ok fine! I'll see you in like... fifteen minutes.”
3. Rex turns and sees a red-haired woman asleep in his bed. Rex: “Holy... shit...”
4. In the kitchen, Sydney grins at Rex, who stands stunned in the doorway. Sydney: “What'd I tell you stud, you had it in you all along.” Rex: “H-how... how did this happen?” Sydney: “You need me to spell it out for you? Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much--”
5. Sydney and Rex, face to face. Sydney: “They stay up all night getting their freak on!?” Rex shouts: “Is that what you were going to say? Is it?!”
1. Sydney and Rex walk up the street to Zak's shop. Walker follows carrying a box. Sydney: “So, what are we doing here anyway? I hope you know I'm missing quality Saturday morning cartoons for this.” Rex: “When it comes to Zak you never can be too sure, but his colourful choice of words left me fearing for the safety of my balls if we didn't show.”
2. Sydney leans in to Walker and his box. Sydney: “That's a nice box of porn you have there Walker. I bet you get all the ladies carrying that around!” Walker: “Yeah cause that's how I like to pass my time. Asking strange women if they want to look at my exotic collection of porn.”
3. Rex asks Walker. Rex: “Since when does Zak need other people to buy his porn?” Walker: “Since the manager of the convenience store had a problem with Zak's ‘try before you buy’ policy.”
4. Earlier that week: a little boy in a propeller cap gapes. Narration: “Earlier that week.” Zak: “Mmmm lusty Cleopatra, come here you naked goddess.” Zak: “Oh God you're sexy!”
5. Zak buries his face in a magazine in the shop. Zak: “I'm gonna take you home and beat you like you owe me money.”
6. The boy starts to cry. Sound effect: Sniff
7. Close up of Zak's eye, side-on. Zak thinks: “Awkward...”
8. Back in the present, Sydney, Walker and Rex react in horror. Sydney: “That's disgusting!” Rex: “Oh God! All that therapy comes crumbling down like a cheaply stacked deck of cards.”
1. Rex and Walker arrive at the shop. Zak pokes his head around a doorway. Zak: “Finally, you assholes are here.” Walker: “Oh, I'm sorry. It's not like ‘Dungeons and Dominatrix’ is a widely available literary piece.”
2. Zak, in a barbarian harness and underwear, shoulders a giant axe. Rex: “Oh God, he's in drag.” Zak: “LARP time! Hurry up and change, we don't have much time. Dave and Stan are already scouting ahead. Your costumes are in the back.”
3. Rex rummages in a chest of costumes. Walker points angrily. Sydney holds up an outfit. Sydney: “Zak, where did you find all these costumes?” Zak: “The last owner was a creepy looking old man. I think these were his.” Zak: “Who cares right? They're ours now!” Walker: “You want me to wear some old man's role play costumes? I think you're stocking way too much faith in my willingness to participate in your nerd shenanigans.”
4. Walker, now in a mage's circlet and a skirt, gives a thumbs down. Walker shouts: “Zak! Hell no!” Zak: “What!? You're always the magic user. Just think of it as a robe with ample room to store your potions.” Walker: “You know damn well this is no robe... I'm wearing a bra and a skirt.” Walker: “Do I have boobs Zak? Do I?”
5. All four in costume: Sydney as a rogue, Walker as a mage, Rex as a knight with a shield, and Zak as the barbarian. Walker: “I really do hate you guys!”
1. Zak stands by the hole in the floor as Sydney climbs down into it. Walker: “We are going to be doing this in your basement?” Zak: “Think of it less as a basement and more of an infernal gateway to hell.” Walker: “Don't you think you're overplaying this roleplay thing just a little?” Zak: “Just get in the damn hole.”
2. The Pope peers around the door. Pope: “Someone called about a baptism?” Zak: “Down here! Quick!”
3. Zak waves the Pope towards the hole. Rex, in his helmet, looks up from it. Zak: “Right this way my good man, you'll find all the unchristened children your heart could desire.” Rex: “You invited the Pope to LARP with us?” Zak: “Hey, we needed a healer...”
4. The Pope gazes upward, awestruck. Pope: “Lord, I now see the purpose for which I was born.” Pope: “My life spent studying the scriptures, all for this very moment.”
5. In the crypt, the Pope runs off into the distance. Rex and Sydney watch. Pope shouts: “Eeexxxooooorcisssmmm” Rex: “Should we go after him? He doesn't exactly look in his prime.” Sydney: “Hey, get your ass back here you f@$%ing nub! God, this is why I hate PUG healers.”
1. In the crypt, Rex, Sydney and Walker huddle nervously by the ladder. Sydney: “This place is just tad creepier than I anticipated. I'm all for trying new and exciting things, but I might sit this one out.” Rex: “Yeah... I think I'm right behind you Syd, this place gives me the willies.” Walker: “And, I'd better go with you two, to ensure your safety up that step ladder.”
2. Zak gives them the finger from further down the crypt. Zak: “F$%k you guys, you act like you've never seen a burning crypt of Hades before!?”
3. Behind Rex, a huge red horned demon steps out of the shadows. Sound effect: Step!
4. The demon swats the group aside. Walker shouts: “Ooooffff!” Sound effect: Crack
5. Zak pats his belly defiantly. Zak shouts: “Hey, asshole!” Sound effect: Pat pat Zak: “Why don't you pick on someone your own size.”
6. The demon roars and points at Zak. Demon shouts: “I'm going to swallow your balls, puny mortal!”
7. Walker and Rex, sprawled on the floor, look up. Walker: “His balls? I think he meant to say soul... what kind of demon can't even get that right?” Rex: “Perhaps balls are a delicacy in hell.”
1. The demon charges with a spiked club. Demon shouts: “Rrraaaa-”
2. Zak hurls his giant axe. Sound effect: Toss Sound effect: Huurrk
3. The axe slices into the demon's arm. Sound effect: Slice Demon: “-hrrrnnggg”
4. Zak catches the axe as it flies back to him. Zak: “Wha?” Sound effect: Caught!
5. The wounded demon glares at Zak. Demon: “That weapon... where you get it!?” Demon: “Goreal take it...” Demon: “When you dead!”
6. An armoured knight steps through a blazing portal of light in front of Zak. Sound effect: Fwooom
1. Meanwhile up ahead, Stan, with glasses, and Dave, in a green hood, explore the crypt. Narration: “Meanwhile up ahead...” Stan: “Dave, you stink man. And don't you think about blaming it on the sulfur.” Dave: “I live in a cardboard box, so sue me if I smell a little bit musty.”
2. Stan stops and listens. Stan: “Dave. Do you hear that?”
3. Dave turns as a horde of lepers lurches towards them. Dave: “Oh god, ravenous lepers!” Lepers shouts: “Braaaaaaaains!!”
4. Dave looks around; Stan has vanished. Dave: “Stan?” Dave: “...Stan!?”
5. Rotting lepers lunge out of the dark.
6. Dave turns to run as a hand grabs him. Dave: “Run awa--” Dave: “--uuurk”
7. The lepers drag Dave down. Dave shouts: “Aaaaaaahhhhh, oh God! No... Noooooo!!”
8. The Pope charges in, splashing holy water over the lepers. Pope shouts: “Eeeeeexxxoooorcisssmm!!”
9. The empty cave floor, scattered with bones.
10. Stan creeps back out. Sound effect: Scoot scoot
11. Stan peeks around a rock.
12. Stan rifles through the remains. Sound effect: Loot loot
1. Rex, in his knight's helmet, warns Zak, who scowls. Rex: “Uhhhh, Zak... the demons are fluxing in pretty damn fast. They're pushing us further and further into the crypt.” Zak: “Dude, this is the best L.A.R.P. ever and all you're doing is f#%$ing whinging. Reach into my backpack and get yourself a glass of shut the f$%k up.”
2. The purple ghost swirls above Zak. Zak: “Ghosty!*” Zak: “Oh, I'm definitely gon' f$%k you up!” Narration: “*See strip #172.”
3. Walker and Rex watch Zak charge off after the ghost. Rex: “Where the hell does he think he's going?”
4. The group, in silhouette, stand by a pool of blood as the ghost trail swirls away. Sydney: “Zak, why the hell are you running further into the crypt!?” Zak: “It's the ghosty... he came in here.” Walker: “I don't think it will be long until we're all ghosties.”
5. The red demon Goreal looms with a werewolf and other monsters. Goreal: “Out Goreal's way.”
6. Goreal grabs Zak. Goreal: “Goreal send you to hell!”
7. Zak screams, bathed in red light.
1. Zak grins. Zak: “Just saw my life flash before my eyes.” Zak: “It was f$%king awe-some!”
2. The others gather as a pale ghost of the old shop owner appears. Zak: “Ghosty?” Ghost: “Did my minions give you trouble boys?”
3. The ghost scolds Goreal, who holds up a skull. Ghost: “Goreal, what have I told you about killing the mortals?” Ghost: “And what happened to your hand?!” Goreal: “Is ok. Goreal have new hand now.”
4. Sydney turns to Zak. Sydney: “Zak, what's going on?”
5. The ghost gestures to Sydney and Zak by the pool of blood. Ghost: “Allow me, young girl.” Ghost shouts: “This is Hell!” Ghost: “Well... one of its many gateways on Earth, that is.”
6. The ghost leans in close to Zak, who frowns. Ghost: “Now Zak, I'm glad you finally made the time to come down and see me. How are you enjoying my store?” Zak: “Your store? Hey, it's my store now, Ghosty!” Ghost: “Ownership aside, I like what you've done with the place. A gaming store will bring a lot of new souls for my minions.” Ghost: “Suggestion: I like to start my corruption young. We need some merchandise that will lure in the children. Here's what I'm thinking...” Zak: “You're just trying to get me mad, but it won't work.” Ghost: “Pokemon.”
7. Zak roars and raises his axe. Zak shouts: “Pokemon? I'll kill you!”
1. Dave, grey-skinned now, sits among the lepers, rubbing his face. Dave: “Man, I sure could go for some brains right about now.” Dave: “Brains? Why did I say brains?!” Dave: “Food! That's what I meant, I sure could go for some food...”
2. Stan finds Dave. Stan: “Woah, Dave. I thought you were a goner.” Dave: “So did I... I must have got lucky, I guess.” Dave: “Though, I feel differe--”
3. Stan, without trousers, stands silent beside Dave. Stan: “...”
4. Dave looks at Stan. Dave: “Stan, why aren't you wearing any pants?”
5. Stan grins and waves his hands. Stan shouts: “Disappear!”
1. Meanwhile, the glowing ghost of the old man spreads his arms before Zak. Demons and skeletons watch, with the others behind. Narration: “Meanwhile.” Sound effect: Ha ha ha Ghost: “Stop it with your foolishness. Is this any way to treat your hell host?” Ghost: “Come now, I can offer you ultimate power, and all you have to do is make a few small concessions!” Zak: “Never! Concessions are for old people and women with babies!”
2. Goreal pleads with the ghost. Goreal: “Please, let us kill them.” Ghost: “Think further than 2 minutes in front of you Goreal.” Ghost: “If Zak dies, then there'll be no one to run the store. And why do we need someone running the store?” Goreal: “So crypt isn't found...”
3. Zak glances at Sydney. Zak: “Let's all f$%k this ghosty up at the same time.”
4. Zak raises his glowing axe.
5. Rex's sword glows.
6. Walker's eyes glow beneath his circlet.
7. Sydney readies her glowing guitar.
8. The ghost's eye widens. Ghost: “The enchanted weapons...”
9. All four strike the ghost at once with their glowing weapons. Ghost: “It can't be!”
1. The ghost writhes, crackling with energy. Ghost: “Heh you've... gasp got no more... gasp fight in you...”
2. The four heroes stand panting, exhausted. Sound effect: Pant pant Ghost: “And now... I'm a little bit tired of you...” Ghost: “I think I will let you finish them, Goreal.”
3. Close up of Goreal grinning wickedly. Goreal: “Our pleasure master.”
4. Walker glares at Zak. Walker: “I blame your asshole face for this Zak.” Walker: “I wanted to make that perfectly clear.”
5. The ghost looks round. Ghost: “Hmmm?”
6. The Pope stands silently behind. Pope: “...”
7. The ghost's face falls. Ghost: “No...”
8. Close up of the Pope, twitching. Sound effect: Twitch twitch
1. The hooded Pope raises a cross in a blinding beam of light. The ghost's skeleton screams as it is torn away. Pope shouts: “Exorcism!” Ghost shouts: “Noooooooo”
1. Sydney and Zak watch the Pope finish off the lepers in the distance. Sydney: “Geez, he's really able to look after himself. Which is more than I can say for us.” Zak shouts: “Hey! Leave some for us you greedy old bastard!”
2. The Pope, upside down, chants over a skull. Pope: “Exorcism”
3. A purple wisp rises from the skull.
4. The wisp forms into the ghost's face. Ghost: “I... must feed!”
5. The ghost looks around, yellow eyes glowing. Ghost: “Something... evil...”
6. The ghost's trail snakes through the shop above. Ghost: “Must find... something evil!”
7. A packet of Mint Slice biscuits. Ghost: “Mint... biscuits?! Perfect!”
8. The ghost pours itself into the biscuit packet. Ghost: “I will be recharged in no time.”
9. Sydney and Zak stand in the crypt, arms folded. Sydney: “Well... I guess we can leave now.” Zak: “Greedy Pope... I didn't even get a level out of that fight.”
10. Dave, now a grey leper, appears beside Zak.
11. Dave raises a hand. Dave: “What I miss?”
1. Back in the shop, the others head for the door. Walker: “This, I believe, is the weirdest day I have ever had!” Rex: “I'll be glad if I never set foot in there again!”
2. Zak calls after them. Zak: “Are you guys kidding? That was awesome!” Zak: “Where are you going! Don't leave...”
3. Walker opens the packet of mint biscuits. Zak: “Thank God for food!” Walker: “I forgot I brought these mint biscuits.”
4. Walker crams the biscuits into his mouth as Zak lunges for them. Zak: “Share some with us, you greedy fat f#%$!” Walker: “Nyo! Nub nub they're all nyub mine!”
5. Walker freezes, his eyes blank. Sound effect: Poit
6. Walker collapses on the floor. Sound effect: Coma!
7. Stan rifles through Walker's pockets. Sound effect: Loot loot
1. A tiny point of light in the darkness.
2. Walker walks forward through beams of light in a dark void. Walker: “Ugh... what happened?” Walker: “Hello? Anyone here? Where am I?”
3. A man in a dark suit appears behind Walker. Pickle Parle: “Oh yes, there is someone here...”
4. Walker backs away from the suited man. Walker shouts: “You!” Pickle Parle: “Yes, me. Pickle Parle. Humble farmer, and high lord of the underworld, at your service.” Pickle Parle: “And you sir, are my gracious host!”
5. Pickle Parle sits in an armchair across from Walker. Walker: “Farmer? What sort of farmer?” Pickle Parle: “In my previous life, pickles... But in my new line of work--”
6. Close up of Pickle Parle, eyes narrowed. Pickle Parle: “I'm reaping souls!”
7. Walker tumbles through a vortex. Pickle Parle: “Welcome, Walker...”
8. Pickle Parle spreads his arms among floating books labelled 'Fears'. Pickle Parle: “To your subconscious!”
1. A hand runs along shelves of books labelled 'Resentment', 'Accomplishments' and 'Failures'. Pickle Parle: “It seems, Walker, that you feel you don't get enough attention.”
2. Pickle Parle reads from a book as Walker listens. Pickle Parle: “Everyone focuses on your friends, Zak and Rex, while you get no attention yourself.”
3. Pickle Parle shows a book with pictures of Sydney and Rex. Pickle Parle: “In fact, even your new friend, Sydney seems to get more attention than you.”
4. Walker looks hurt.
5. Pickle Parle leafs through the pages.
6. A finger points to a book labelled 'Goals'.
7. The finger moves to books labelled 'Wishes & Desires' and 'Inspiration'. Pickle Parle: “Ahh yes.”
8. Pickle Parle turns to Walker among the clouds. Pickle Parle: “I can... give you that power, you know.”
9. Visions appear around Walker: a couple, an explorer, a Pokemon trainer. Pickle Parle: “You could get the girl of your dreams.” Pickle Parle: “--Have adventures in the wild.” Pickle Parle: “--You could even ‘catch em all’ in Pokemon.”
10. Pickle Parle stands close behind Walker. Pickle Parle: “You need me. Just like I need you.”
11. Pickle Parle leans in over Walker's shoulder. Pickle Parle: “Yes, I can feel it! You want it!”
1. Walker nods, Pickle Parle at his shoulder. Walker: “Yes... you're right.”
2. Walker clutches his chest. Walker: “Power I do crave it.”
3. Walker drools, dreaming of a donut. Walker: “...Just like I crave donuts!”
4. A donut appears in Walker's hands in a puff of smoke. Sound effect: Poof Pickle Parle: “What the shit?”
5. Walker bites the donut as Pickle Parle shakes his fist. Walker: “Oh my god! This is the best donut I've ever tasted.” Pickle Parle: “Cheap parlour tricks. Nothing compared to what you could do with my help.” Pickle Parle: “Now what do you say?”
6. Walker grins, hands raised. Walker: “I say.. double choc, fudge brownie ice cream!”
7. A tub of ice cream appears in a puff of smoke. Sound effect: Poof
8. Walker holds the tub of ice cream. Walker: “My mind makes it real.”
1. Close up of Pickle Parle, snarling. Pickle Parle: “That's all good and well if all you want is brownies and sweets, but what about real power?” Pickle Parle: “The type of power only I can give!”
2. Walker, deadpan. Walker: “Magic wand.”
3. A magic wand appears in Walker's hand. Sound effect: Poof Walker: “Shush now, can't you see I'm eating?”
4. Pickle Parle is tied up in ropes, furious. Pickle Parle shouts: “You fool! You don't know what you're doing, what you're denying!” Walker: “Well I know what I'm not denying;” Walker: “A pool of chocolate sauce.”
5. Walker lies back happily in a giant pool of chocolate sauce. Pickle Parle shouts: “Noooooo” Walker: “Yeees!”
1. Walker wakes in a hospital bed. Sydney sits in a chair beside him. Sound effect: Beep beep beep beep Walker: “Ugh”
2. Sydney jumps up. Sydney: “Guys! He's coming back around.”
3. Zak, Rex and Dave crowd in at the door. Zak: “Buddy!”
4. Walker climbs out of bed, pointing. Walker: “Oh god! Sorry guys..”
5. Walker hurries into the men's toilet in his hospital gown. Walker: “There's something I have to take care of.”
1. The friends wait outside the toilet door. Walker: “Out you come, Parle! Hhnnnnn..”
2. Zak covers his ears in disgust. Zak shouts: “Walker! For the love of God man. Taking a shit is a solo quest, not a group encounter.” Sound effect: Poit Walker shouts: “Aaaahh!”
3. Walker sighs with relief. Walker: “Sweet relief.” Pickle Parle: “This isn't over, mark my words. I'll be back.”
4. Walker reaches for the chain. Pickle Parle shouts: “You haven't seen the last of Tony Parle!”
5. Walker pulls the chain and the toilet flushes. Sound effect: Flush Pickle Parle shouts: “Noooooooo” Narration: “Fini-”
The end of

Clutching at Straws, Issue 2: The crypt of the black pickle
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Clutching at Straws, Issue 2: The crypt of the black pickle